John....you have been a well versed man since joining Navy Dads. Put your thoughts and feelings to paper and give it to your Son. He will read it a hundred times over the coming years as his life unfolds. It might be difficult for him to have this kind of conversation with you right now.....Time and life will take care of that! The hardest part of being a parent is watching our Sons and Daughters spread their wings and fly away....
I'm a single mom of four adult children (that makes me mom and dad!) and I understand how you feel. I'm going to ask you a single question. What exactly is it that you're hoping for; that scenario where you feel like you're complete? Tom is right, it's hard watching our kids fly away, however, it's not exactly that for me. It's hard watching my kids from afar. And by that, I don't mean distance. Our entire jobs as parents are to prepare them to be productive citizens of the planet. Any relationship you have as adults is a bonus, and honestly, that doesn't always turn out how you'd expect. I have one daughter, my oldest, with a family of her own that lives in her own little bubble. She has a beautiful life but it mostly doesn't include me except for a cursory connection now and again. Sometimes I feel like I did something. But I ask myself what I asked you. What am I hoping for? To be her best friend? She has one of those in her husband. To be the one she leans on? Also her husband. To depend on me and make me feel needed? She doesn't require that (amen!). So what am I hoping for? I don't really know sometimes. It's weird to feel like it's just not "right" somehow. But, she seems happy enough with her life just the way it is and I'm not about to create drama just to get answers to feed my emotions. I prefer to tell myself if someone told me that she could have a beautiful life but it wouldn't include me in the inner circle, would I give that to her and my answer is absolutely yes! What I do, though, is tell her I love her. Period. I don't care if she says it back, I don't care if she doesn't feel the same way about me just now. What I care about is when I die, that she knows I loved her. She will, because I told her so. So, write the letter, tell him you love him, and that you're there whenever/if he ever wants to chat. I have three other adult children and things are a little more "normal" with them. I tell them all, any way I can, if they listen or not. AND.. I taught myself to paint at 54 years old and I'm pretty darn good. I also bought a metal detector, because I wanted to and it looks fun. I found something to do with my time that is all about me. Do that! Live your life. The only one getting in the way of that is you. He is most certainly going to live his and living vicariously really sucks. Don't fret. It all mellows out over time. You be you, let him be him. Sorry for rambling. Best wishes. (my only son is currently week two in boot camp. Went in at 26 years old, can you believe that? He's chasing his dreams. I'm going to chase mine... just as soon as I figure out what they are! hahaha)
Glad I could help. Thank you for the good wishes for my son. Seldom (like never!) does anyone equate anything I have to say with a message from God (but I get it, this happened to me just last year!), more like the ramblings of a mad woman. hahaha Hope this finds you more peaceful minded than a couple of days ago. What did you decide to do (if you want to share)?