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Pt 1
I think it is different for Boyfriends or husbands of military folk. We worry about much of the same things in a different way. When you look online moms seem to get the most support, and probably a close tie with wives. There are few of us men with our partners in the service. I think there maybe a stigma that men are supposed to be tough which contributes to the small network of support. That maybe the case, but the small quantity of us is probably the main factor.
I am in week three with her in basic. I write to her about every other day. I still have not gotten a letter in return. This is torture. Everyone in the support communities recognize this. The advice is always the same… When you get a letter, or phone call it will be better. I did receive a phone call last week I appreciated it and it meant the world to me. I have heard so many stories of missing this call, which must be awful. The call did make me feel better, but I am still doing a good job of driving myself nuts despite of it.
This does force me to look at my relationship, and its meaning in a much different way. I am older and my girlfriend is younger.
How many years do I want to live as a surrogate partner?
Will we both appreciate the changes the military does to her as a person?
Men are suppose to provide, why does she want to join?
I have heard horror stories of many degrees about women in “A” school. Wherever you look you can find what you want to hear online. So you pick, and choose the places online you take solace. I enjoy reading what the moms write. Moms are much more positive than most. The worst are men. They say negative and mean things about women serving. Taking both of these into account there is a large spectrum of advice out there. I am not sure if the mom/wife perspective is naive, or the men’s comments are just overly graphic and exaggerated. I’m sure both the women’s and men’s perspectives have some truth to them.
Pt 2
It seems shallow to say it but a military relationship feels like the worst part of being single and the worst part of being in a commitment. You are alone and have limited companionship. But you are committed and bound to one person who is not there.
Fact is you are committed to them but they are not committed in return. Their allegiance is to their branch and our needs come second.
My girl is in boot camp now soon to go to “A” school. I am 37 she is 23. I do not want to be a surrogate lover. I want to be with my partner. Granted she is in the reserves. Don’t discount me for this. I know young couples are experiencing much more challenging obstacles. For me those weeks and weekends she serves, I want to be for us.
So where do I go with this?
Serious soul searching. I am constantly evaluating what I value as important, including our relationship.
I totally understand the common use of Dear John letters. Are they right, are they wrong? I have mixed feelings on this. Most often its probably what’s best for the both of them In other cases perhaps it was just a hasty decision during a very stressful time.
I am waiting until training passes to make any such decisions.
Pt 3
Men that have served talk about the dark side of “A” school and the women there. This is not comforting to those of us whose women are in training. I know the rhetoric always comes down to trusting them. My relationship is not immune to strife just as the rest of us are not. Shortly before boot camp there was an episode to cause me concern. So, now that is a reality and something I must cope with.
Trust aside the military must also face the allegations of sexual assault in the military. There are clearly other concerns.
Comments
I am enjoying this site. I have had many warm welcomes, and the kind thoughts mean much to me. But, The question you asked has really started bothering me. It almost seems like there may be things to worry about. I have pasted a couple articles below. When I talked to my girlfriend on the phone she said they wanted to put all the women on Norplant. Why would this not be a choice unless there was an issue? I know what your saying. Accidents happen. I paid and went through the procedure of a vasectomy. So again why is birth control forced on the women?
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/03/17/us/17assault.html
http://www.pbs.org/pov/regardingwar/conversations/women-and-war/sex...
Yes, it is hard and all kind of thoughts will go through our head but I believe and from what I have read and heard if your relationship was strong before they joined it should be as strong or stronger as they progress to they goal of serving our Country.
Stay strong and always be positive when talking or writing to her. You have to learn that if she is worrying about you it will hinder her ability to give her all to the all important training that she is going through and could even effect her safety is she is distracted by something and make a mistake while doing her job.
Please keep us updated as to her progress.
I am here to learn about other peoples experiences in my situation. My girlfriend started basic 3 weeks ago. Waiting for letters I have looked online to see how other family members adjust. I have no agenda I am simply looking for a support network while my loved one is away.
Google "my girlfriend wants to join the military". that scares the hell out of me. Im not sure your not hearing these stories makes me feel better. I am bothered by the lack of people here that have girlfriends serving. It really makes me wonder if it works at all.
have to ask here, what is your agenda? After being involved with this site for 3 years, I have yet to see negative comments about females serving in the Navy.....as the parent of a daughter that served 5 years I have yet to read any negative comments